her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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