the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
