What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
