I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
