why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
