speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game