She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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