I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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