saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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