I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!