i just wanna soil my oats bro
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.