Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
