As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
