With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"