I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep