Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
