dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
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I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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