Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
