I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
