He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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