Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
