I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
