I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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