Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
