I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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