i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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