oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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