you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just blew my weed a kiss
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
