Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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