I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
