Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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