birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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