I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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