i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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