Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You did what with his pubic hair?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
