i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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