I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
