I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
