Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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