I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
