got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
