I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
