I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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