he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
