Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
