My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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