i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We were destined to go to rehab together
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
