my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
