We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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