Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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