i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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