There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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