Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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