it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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