dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
"it" just moved
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
