You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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