it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
