So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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